A no named Hollywood actress has come forth and levied allegations against Jesus Christ for sexual misconduct.
Now, before we get into this, I’d like to say that I’ve known Jesus for quite a long time. We were roommates in college and he was always a straight shooting guy to me. Yeah, he drank a lot of wine and said weird prophetic shit while he was stoned, but I never knew him to be a creep.
23 years ago, when Ashley Jubb was 26, she recalls a “frightening encounter” when Jesus supposedly put his hand over her mouth and tried to drown her in a Jacuzzi.
“He said he was trying to save me and wash away all of my dirty sins” Ashley nervously reported. “I trusted him, he was much older than me at the time and he took advantage of my naivety.”
In his defense, Jesus maintained it was consensual and exclaimed “I was just baptizing the bitch!”.
God, Jesus’s father, acted as his defense attorney in court when the trials began. You would think that Jesus would stand a fairly good chance with God as his lawyer, but it seems even God himself was unable to combat the unrelenting power of the ‘Metoo’ movement.
The people demanded crucifixion, but with out any proof of sexual misconduct whatsoever, Jesus was only sentenced to 300 years in a maximum security prison, an outcome that was unsettling for the plaintiff’s attorney Gloria Allred.
Disclaimer- This article is Satire, not based on actual events.