What I Learned from the Teenager I Locked in My Basement

Conventional wisdom typically conjures the notion that psychopathic middle-aged perverts lack the ability to learn new things, especially from younger generations.

Before descending into madness I became a crotchety old man at the ripe age of 38. I found myself uttering things like “these damn kids these days”, “we didn’t do that shit when we were that age” and other archetypal adages I never dreamed I would be saying back when I was confidently convinced that I was hip, cool and would never get old.

Things change I suppose.

Time passes quickly when you have a teenager locked up in your basement (for the captor, that is, not the prisoner; it’s probably really slow time for them.)

Eventually pleas to be released and threats of escape diminished and were replaced with an attempt to form rational dialogue.

I must say I was intrigued, and I wound up taking the bait.

Apparently I had forgotten what it was like to be young. I had forgotten that somewhere amidst the ocean of selfies, the tide pod consumption and the typical flippant behaviorism of adolescence, resided an actual working mind.

A working mind that we too often overlook. As it turns out, teenagers are complex, intelligent and capable of forming thoughtful analysis of the world around them, despite their lack of wisdom.

I arrived to the conclusion that the older generations haven’t given enough credit to the new generations. We simply cast them aside as useless ‘millennials’ while neglecting to even attempt to see from their perspective.

Did we all really become so jaded, so lost to our own generation that we didn’t consider, even for a moment, the possibility that, hey “the kids are alright”?

My epiphany led me to the decision to release my prisoner and to delve into some serious introspection.

I also learned that kids don’t like to be locked up in basements and that prison food really is as bad as they said it was going to be.

-disclaimer: this article is satire, not based on actual events.

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