Hi kids! Are you looking for a safer alternative to being killed by a barrage of gunfire this summer?
Why not try the good old fashioned outdoorsy fun of squirt guns? Squirt guns are great, and they are clinically proven to be at least twice as safe as shooting each other with real guns!
Forget about that super cool AR 15 (you know, the one your daddy leaves unguarded under his bed next to ‘blow up mommy’) and grab that mega awesome pump action squirt gun, which is 50% less likely to kill your friends!
I guarantee you that some fresh air, some light exercise and the joyful experiences of carefree youth will lull your murderous rage to bed in no time!
You wanna know what the best part of choosing a squirt gun battle over killing your defenseless classmates with a real gun is?
You’ll actually get a chance to discover that high school isn’t really that big of a deal and that you were a dumb ass for thinking it was.
So remember kids, being cool and not shooting people is lot better than being someone’s bitch in prison.
Disclaimer: This article is intended to be satirical comedy. It is not based on actual statistics and does not intend to downplay the severity of gun violence.