How to Piss Off Everyone

A comedy satire by Maggie Street Magazine

How does one effectively and thoroughly piss off everyone?

Not so long ago you could just say something myopic like “I hate black people” and everyone would want to kill you.

These days, however, you’d probably have a gathering of inbred hicks who (for reasons beyond my comprehension) believe they are of a superior race of people, wanting to hang out with you and talk about how great Trump is.

It seems like only yesterday I could walk into a crowded room and shout “God is dead!” and have 89.3% of the people wanting to hang me from the gallows for simply reciting a Nietzsche quote.

These days, however, you’d probably have some pretentious grad student, who wasted his parent’s money on a worthless liberal arts degree, telling you that he has incontrovertible evidence we are the imagination of our future selves living in a computer simulation.

I remember a time, oh a glorious time, when I could drunkenly barge into a women’s only retreat and loudly proclaim that women are inferior to men and belong chained to the kitchen sink, and I would have a barrage of high heeled shoes hurling towards me in feministic rage.

These days, however, you’d probably have some boarish oaf, who has lived a life of privilege and opulence, congratulating you for standing up to “matriarchal oppression.”

A brief duration has passed, since I could say to one of my friends “Hey fat ass, I think it’s time you hit the gym” and he may have very well thanked me for my honesty and proceeded to change his life for the better.

These days, however, some astute progressive hipster know-it-all would overhear you saying that and dub you an ableist, body-shaming, racist (I don’t know how that got in there, but they’d fuckin’ add it anyway) judgmental, condescending asshole. Or if they were short on time, they’d just call you Hitler.

It twas but a moment ago, it seems, I could tell a joke about raping a dead baby who had aids, and literally be punched in the face for being such a horrible and vile human being.

These days, however, you’d probably have some middle aged nerd who still lives in his parent’s basement, riddled with dried cum stains and cheese curl reminiscence on his shirt, asking where he might be able to find one alive.

And just for the hell of it because at this point I would have lost all hope for humanity, I would reply “you mean, an alive one who doesn’t have aids?”

And he would say “meh”.

Alas, only a few years ago I could sardonically cast out the slogan “The Earth is Flat!” and be met with jeers and derisive laughter.

These days, however, you actually have fucking idiots who believe that shit.

It was great fun having a punk rock sense of humor and deliberately saying shit you didn’t really mean, just to get a rise out of people. Unfortunately, people sucked all the god damn fun out of it, more ferociously than a crack whore sucking a dick for $3 worth of ready.

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