My 9-Year-Old Wife is Driving Me Crazy

A Dark Comedy Satire by Maggie Street Magazine

Buyer’s remorse comes in all different forms. One such purchase that I am really beginning to regret, is that of my 9-year-old wife.

Divorce is highly frowned upon in my new country, which became apparent when I asked for a refund and was chased out of the hut with a machete.

Sure, the handjobs are incredible and they make my tiny penis look enormous, but I need something more fulfilling in this relationship; like meaningful conversation.

For example, I asked her what her opinions were on Brexit and Donald Trump, and she just looked at me like I was a big creepy asshole and asked if she could go outside and play in the sand.

The other day at breakfast I asked her what she thought about the Dow Jones going up 1.34% and she scoffed at me, rolled her eyes, grabbed her doll and went into the other room.

Seriously? What the fuck man!

Then she had some of her friends come over and they were just giggling and bouncing off of the walls the entire time.

I don’t get it, it’s like she thinks she’s a little kid or something. Perhaps we’re not as compatible as the brochure promised we would be.

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